As I publish my 50th post I contemplate all that you know about me. I contemplate what I know about myself, what I have expressed to you, and how to continue expressing it. The whole point of this is to show myself that it is okay to be imperfect, it is okay to post a not-so-flattering picture, and be so broken down that getting out of bed is a struggle. Life is not beautiful every single day. Life can be unbearable. I am not here to fake it. I am here to tell my truth.
I started all of this not knowing what to do or how to do it. I’ve been teased, questioned, and ridiculed by more than a few people. I never considered myself a good writer or a creative person. I’m not sure where my writing came from (my dad seems to think I inherited it from my mom). It’s been a long 3 years of blogging, finding myself, and still have no clue what I’m doing. Everything is not beautiful, and glamorous, or worth blogging about. I have grown into my temper, my ability to push people away, and my ‘don’t give a fuck’ attitude. I still have OCD and suffer from anxiety often. I don’t sleep well and HATE getting up on Monday mornings. Lately, I’ve been in “blah” moods more than I have been in good ones. I have realized that it’s okay.
We try to suppress the details that make us who we are.
In the beginning I wanted this to be therapeutic for me. I wanted to help myself find answers through writing and publishing my insecurities for everyone to see. Ultimately it has helped me reconnect with old friends, helped me embrace every tick and problem that I have, and understand that I am not in this alone. No matter the issue, there are others who will read it and know exactly how I’m feeling. Those who are silently suffering from similar problems can find solace in a few paragraphs because they are not alone either.
We are who we hang around.
I want to embrace those who spread love, who are hardworking, and admit their faults. That is the type of human I want to be, straight to the core. It is not easy to cut people out, but it is necessary at times. There is no reason to justify the decision to leave people in the past if they are not contributing positive vibes in the present.
There have been rough times. I have certainly hit rock bottom and coasted there for a while. Day by day is the best thing I did for myself and I am fully aware of who helped me, who hindered me, and who is still there for me. As I publish this, I am in a place that is stable, comfortable, and a little boring. I’m pushing to create positive change for myself and those close to me. I cannot say I’m fully optimistic about everything, but I see a tiny light in the tunnel. It’s sure as hell not the end of it though.