I don’t have to justify myself to anyone even when society is screaming at me to do so right in my face.
I’m exhausted in a way that my mind and body are drained. I’m beyond the point of being tired and no amount of sleep will help. My thoughts are completely discombobulated and it’s been hard to juggle life. I’m not saying I have a bad life, or life sucks, or making excuses for a lackluster performance in all my priorities. I am simply taking on too much right now to function correctly.
I have found comfort in taking a break from people. That might sound like a terrible thing to say, but it’s actually been nice. Sometimes you just need to put yourself first, even if it’s uncomfortable or you feel bad about it. You can’t be all the things all the time. If you think about everything you are to everyone in your life, it’s a huge list: you’re a friend, son/daughter, boyfriend/girlfriend, parent, grandchild, aunt, uncle, sister, brother, step sibling, in-law, employee, roommate, pet owner, driver, passenger, and the list goes on and on. To everyone in your life you are something and that can be satisfying, but it can also be grueling. I woke up one day and said to myself ‘enough is enough…something must go.’ So without making a drastic decision like quitting my job I decided to put some people on the backburner, for my sake.
I have grown tremendously in my 25th year of life and that stems from painful experiences, but it also comes from making good choices for myself. Good choices that don’t necessarily make sense to anyone else.
I found myself giving things up but also losing a part of myself in the process. I really believe everyone does this even if you don’t think you do. I gave up a normal teenage life for gymnastics. I almost gave up my now solid life in Georgia for a guy. I gave up my sanity and happiness for a different guy. I recently began juggling too many things to be able to balance my life’s priorities. I am constantly putting what I think others expect from me first. I always thought I was strong and independent but I wasn’t. I was willing to forgo a part of my soul for something that wasn’t in my best interest, or for someone, or something, else.
There are drastic decisions to be made all the time as adults. Those decisions come with time, and thought, and a particular occasion. They are also all about you. It’s important to have balance in life, but also realize when something is off balance and needs some realignment.
I can be harsh and blunt but it comes from a good and honest place. I’m navigating the best I can through life knowing that it could be gone in a second, and knowing that some may not agree with what I’m doing. Everyone isn’t going to understand the why, and they don’t have to. And it’s not about justifying it to make yourself feel better or to make someone else happy. You shouldn’t have to justify it if it’s the right decision for yourself. I know a lot of people have my back in this life. But I am also having my own back. I’m no longer living for other peoples’ happiness and that’s the true definition of respecting myself. What’s yours?